Running on Empty

Health and wellness and food and body has been on my mind lately. When I was pregnant with Zoey and had gestational diabetes, it was a huge trigger for me. I felt like I had made a lot of progress in my relationship with food and deprivation. Then all of a sudden, I had to check my blood sugar, I had to eat when I normally wouldn’t (bedtime snack), I had to stop eating things that I liked (like RICE?!?! and bananas). I had to have a very structured day of eating, but not in a good way. And then, if I tested my blood sugar and it was a little high, I’d beat myself up and go into restriction mode.

Obviously, that is not the best thing while pregnant. I didn’t gain very much weight this time (33 pounds with Logan and I think about 23 with Zoey) probably because I wasn’t really eating carbs much. The carbs I ate was oatmeal and fruit, mostly.

All of this makes me think of the “good food vs bad food” mentality. It was how I lived for 15 years…losing 110 pounds and then keeping it off for 10 years. In the early days I didn’t keep certain foods in the house (sweets) and I never ate pizza or drank alcohol and I ate a lot of processed foods because that was easy to calorie count when you just look at the box.

When I look back at those years, I see clearly that it was not the healthiest–even though I was at my “skinniest”. But I was keeping the weight off with severe restriction–which I did not see at the time.

Now that I’ve had some space and time away from that, I look back and think, damn–how did I not see it?

When I did keto, I had so many issues! FOOD WAS THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND. Calories and carb counts. I couldn’t eat CARROTS. My hair was falling out, I stopped having my period, I was so exhausted I needed a nap most days.

I saw the above graphic on instagram and it was a punch to the gut. How did I get so obsessed? The good thing about when I lost the weight by counting calories was that I didn’t really restrict my food. I was just eating in moderation. I’d have pizza (sometimes, but not at home), I’d have sweets but only portion controlled. But still…I wasn’t severely restricting like I did with keto.

A lot of things I’ve read have talked about how the key to binge eating is to eat food and be satisfied. When you restrict, you binge. YES.

I listened to a podcast recently about Orthorexia and I wanted to share the highlights. Here is a quiz:

Orthorexia quiz

Do you spend more than 3 hours a day thinking about your diet?

Being near foods that I think of being unhealthy or ‘bad’ makes me feel nervous

Is the nutritional value of your meal more important than the pleasure of eating it?

I have eliminated more and more foods from my list of ‘good’ foods.

Have you given up foods you used to enjoy in order to eat the ‘right’ foods?

Does your diet make it difficult for you to eat out, distancing you from family and friends?

I have a growing list of food rules – I believe these help me maintain or enhance my health.

When I think back to the YEARS of deprivation, I wonder: how did I think I’d be able to function when I was running on empty? Constantly? Your car doesn’t drive without fuel, and neither does your body. No wonder I was so tired and lethargic, I was *never* eating enough calories to function. My body was always in starvation mode.

I had my postpartum bloodwork done a few months ago and I don’t have diabetes, so that’s good. I am trying to figure out how to balance EATING enough food, resting enough, but also not going crazy with food. Intuitive Eating is a journey, one I was NOT ready for back in the day (I still thought of it as a diet!). I got the workbook and I am slowly going through it.

Have you come to the realization lately that your relationship with food or exercise has changed? Stay tuned for more free therapy. LOL