Finding Balance

If you noticed, I changed my blog! I decided to update it a bit, change the name (for awhile, see how it feels). I’ve just been feeling lately like the previous name and ideology hasn’t fit me for awhile.

I’ve been reading a lot of books and listening to podcasts about intuitive eating and healing from restriction. It’s been pretty eye opening for me. I didn’t realize how obsessive I had been for a long time in regards to food and exercise.

A long time ago I wrote about how when I was trying to lose the weight I went through a phase (when I hit a plateau that lasted forever) where I over-exercised. I was working out every single day. It wasn’t healthy and that’s when I made a rule that I would take 2 rest days a week no matter what. After that, it was my norm. However, there was always a feeling of panic if I had to change my workouts or skip them (sickness, injury etc). So instead of exercise for happiness, stress relief and balance, I was obsessing about it.

Same with food. If I “screwed up” on my food, I would make up for that by exercising a little bit more, maybe running an extra mile even if my body wasn’t happy with that, or restricting some food. What REALLY opened my eyes to disordered eating and orthorexia was doing Keto.

WARNING SIGNS & SYMPTOMS OF ORTHOREXIA

• Compulsive checking of ingredient lists and nutritional labels
• An increase in concern about the health of ingredients
• Cutting out an increasing number of food groups (all sugar, all carbs, all dairy, all meat, all animal products)
• An inability to eat anything but a narrow group of foods that are deemed ‘healthy’ or ‘pure’
• Unusual interest in the health of what others are eating
• Spending hours per day thinking about what food might be served at upcoming events
• Showing high levels of distress when ‘safe’ or ‘healthy’ foods aren’t available
• Obsessive following of food and ‘healthy lifestyle’ blogs on Twitter and Instagram
• Body image concerns may or may not be present

Huh. I fit about 90% of those things on the list. Keto really set it off. It was SO restrictive. Really unhealthy for me. I had physical issues (GI issues, losing my period, losing hair, exhaustion, etc) AND mental issues (depression, stress, anxiety around food, irritability).

I am currently reading The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner. Here are just a few quotes that really spoke to me:

“I’d spent the past ten years truly hating my body, constantly disgusted with myself, and wanting to be skinny more than anything else.”

“But even the times when dieting “worked” and I was actually skinny, it was never, ever enough. I didn’t feel skinny, or worthy, or confident. And the moments that I did feel skinny?”

“No matter what you weigh, dieting is ruining your metabolism and your ability to listen to your body.”

“Eating less than you are hungry for triggers your body’s survival mode, changing your hormones and brain chemistry, which then lowers your metabolism and makes you biologically obsessed with food. The mental fixation is actually caused by the physical restriction.”

For more than a decade, maybe even longer, I ate a diet of 1400-1600 calories. Which is very low. Sometimes I wonder if I permanently ruined my metabolism.

“1,600 is too low for anyone. In fact, even the new 2,000-calorie recommended daily intake “is only enough to sustain children,” according to Marion Nestle…”

I am trying my best to sort through these feelings. Re-reading Intuitive Eating now that I am more open to the concept. I am trying to “do the work” to figure things out.

I’m 41 now. It is unrealistic that I would look and weigh what I did when I was 27. It’s a hard reality to face.

Anyways, that was a long way to say “I wanted to change the blog”. For awhile I’ve enjoyed writing more about hiking, book reviews, and how to balance life. What do you think about the revamp?