Designated Fat Girl

As I drove home from work last night, the sun was out and I was tempted to take my bike outside. The temptation was strong after spending a week in paradise (Tucson sun) but I also had Weeds on Netflix that I was dying to finish!

It had been two weeks since I did my home workout. I selected the Cardio Burst on the Nike Training App for the first part. I was extra sweaty as I did it.

After the 15 minute Cardio work I switched to Ab work.

It was a good warm up. I did about 30 minutes before hopping on the bike. I burned 304 calories during the Nike App.

It was nice getting back to the routine. The bike was good. I had some discomfort in my knee and leg but honestly I think it’s just the bike trainer. I never have pain when I’m riding outside.

Stats:

Time: 1:15
Calories Burned: 677

Michael picked up a deLite pizza on the way home from the driving range. We’re floundering a bit without our Meal Planning. 🙁

It was delicious. I ate three pieces.

I tried to participate in the Twitter #fitblog chat as I peddled away. I’m the Queen of Multi-tasking. I was watching Weeds too. 😉 Last night’s chat was really good. There were a lot of thought provoking questions. One specifically:

3. What fear(s) have you had to overcome in the past? What helped you?

I said:

Q3: I overcame the fear that I would “always be fat.” 250 pounds no more. I ran Hood to Coast! I conquered it all!

The topic of fear is really interesting to me. I think a lot of the problems with trying to lose weight is fear–fear of change, fear of learning new things, fear of changing your lifestyle. It held me back for years.

Which brings me to the Designated Fat Girl. I started reading Designated Fat Girl by Jennifer Joyner last night.

The book is a quick, easy read yet it’s a difficult read because it brings up a lot of old memories and feelings for me. The story is about her life as a 330+ pound woman with a food addiction. The self-loathing, the negative hate talk she tells herself is all too familiar for me. It didn’t “trigger” me too much. I didn’t feel any urge to suddenly go binge–but I did feel lots of “icky” feelings in my stomach as I read it.

In the Prologue, she describes a scene in the grocery store where someone made an insensitive comment about her weight. She immediately drove to a fast food joint and ordered a bunch of food.

“At the McDonald’s down the street, I attempted to stuff down the incredible pain and sorrow. This was going to be a good day, I tell myself. It’s hard to cry and eat at the same time, so I choose to eat. Like I always do. [pg x]”

Eating my feelings. I did that a lot. Eating dessert and savoring every bite instead of facing what was going on was easier for me.

She also makes a great point about being out in the open as a fat person:

“Someone who is addicted to food isn’t allowed the luxury of anonymity; we wear our failures on our bodies for the world to see. I used to be envious of people with drug or alcohol problems. At least they could hide their addictions, if even for a little while, from the rest of the population. A fat person might as well wear a sign with flashing neon lights: I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF! [pg 23]”

I always felt like I was on display when I was 250+ pounds. Like everyone was staring at me, judging me, criticizing my weight. I just wanted to fade into the darkness and not be noticed. I had horrible posture–feeling like I could shrink into myself and not be seen. It wasn’t a happy place to be.

QUESTION: Have you read this book? What did you think? And what fears have you conquered?